This half year of lockdown has been one of great interior growth (and challenge). It really feels that in these 8 months in Berlin I have experienced a transformation at the level of soul and orientation. Fitness however, in the sense of breaking a sweat, has suffered. Although I’ve kept up a short yoga routine most days, the real fitness has been neglected. Gyms were closed and it’s been cold outside…the reasons not to exercise had grown sufficient.
Today I experienced something I have not for a long time; a real workout. It was a great breakthrough and, like many others, it grew out of frustration. For all the talk between Hannah and I in recent days and weeks about buying bicycles or an exercise machine nothing had happened—we were both desperate for exercise. It’s that palpable feeling of not having had any real exercise in 2 months. Hannah was taking a rest day after a poor nights sleep but for the life of me I couldn’t join her to relax in bed. I was restless. The demands of the future had me alert, growing with SenseSpace and launching my dialogic practice was dogging my mind. In such moments of not knowing what to do I’ve learned to seek a creative channel but none seemed to avail me this time.
I took a healthy hit of cannabis and quickly became more aware of my body. Dropping onto the mat whilst Hannah lay in bed I started stretching and doing the usual Asanas but it wasn’t enough. A certain manic insatiable energy had me. “I’m going to train the stairs” I announced, proceeding out to step my way up the 5 flights in our apartment building. It was a few ascents, two steps at at time, before I began to really feel something. No sweat yet but a hint of blood flow, a light burning activation in the lungs and chest. Descending the steps I was drawn out into the Hinterhaus where I stood looking at the trees, swinging my arms and elbows to my knees as I felt the cool, wintry air against my lightly covered body. Wanting more I grabbed my body warmer and headed out — first walking, then breaking into a run. As I took stride running the perimeter of Boxhagener park around the corner life began to flow. People were bustling and I was running through clouds of reefer as people enjoyed the early spring sunlight around the park.
As I ran, some part of my past self was returning. I recollected memories from the two years 2017-2019 that I had finished my bachelors and Masters. Back then my experimental and regular practice of smoking before morning yoga classes and HIITS in the gym had left me beaming and enlivened. I would walk out of there in the sun (and cold) with my chest broad, feeling activated, feeling myself as I walked down Mile End road to my flat. During that time I had also been living in a complex and challenging relationship which, at my study’s conclusion, left me in an existential burnout and grappling with trauma. Sometimes the good memories get concealed amidst the process. Truthfully at that time I did look at myself in the mirror every time I got back from the gym, but damn I felt good and I felt driven. Without the exercise and my meditation practice I wouldn’t have been able to hit those long library sessions or the remarkable academic success that I did during that time.
Today I was feeling fucking good and in my masculine body energy in a way that I hadn’t for a long time. As spring looms a beautiful future awaits. I intend to seize it.
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